Playoffs: Your Suicide Watch Pump Up, Deport-Trestman Edition, 2014

Ugh, for fuck's sake.

I mean, seriously.

Ugh...

Here's a picture of me at a bar watching a Bears game. The Bears won this game.

I mean seriously. Look how utterly depressed I am. This was even the Monday Night beating of the Jets, and I still knew this season was going to go straight down the shitter.  Ugh...

Also, do I look like another hated Chicago sports fan here?

That's right: this season was Bartman Bad. I hate football. Gonna buy some turtlenecks.

I also hate all of you. My fantasy year was just as bad as the Bears real year. We essentially have matching records. I blame all of you for having good teams, and also Dood Breez$ for deciding it was about time to give up on playing. The whole fucking thing is just a pile of depression.

There's no good way to illustrate the smashing I'm giving my keyboard. Just know it's thorough. I'd prefer to not disclose the amount of property damage this season has caused.

Oh, yeah.

Playoffs.

Good for all of you. I'm so proud. Congratulations. While I'm in the Everybody's Special Participation Ribbon bracket to see if I can maintain a solid run at 8th place, we've got 4 teams that could win it. Let's take a look at these teams, their merits, and see if I can find anything to shit on to make myself feel better.

Buffalo Grove Lesbian Spank Inferno

Cameron is a Bears fan starting Aaron Rodgers every week at QB. I hope this eats at his soul a little bit, and makes him cough up blood in the morning. I hope Matt Forte goes to buy an Acura from him, says, "Aren't you the LSI guy?" (I assume Matt Forte knows about us), shakes his head, says, "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed," and when Cameron turns around, he tackles him through an MDX and gives the commission to someone else.

Something Nice to Say About Cameron: His hair's a little better now than in this picture, and his girlfriend is nice.

Something Nice to Say About His Team: Who would've thought Luke Kuechly would be a decent pick?

Paris Whores With Sores

Here's Dustin sparing you his crotch with a cardboard box. Solid move, we all appreciate it. The two times I played Oges this year, I lost by first a margin of 85 points, and then again by a respectable 35 points. If I take one positive out of this, it's that my team technically got 50 points better by the end of the year. If I look at it as a negative, I'd have to say fuck you Oges, fuck my team, fuck Mark Trestman, and most of all, fuck JJ Watt. You're all collectively the worst, and I hope you and Cameron tie.

Something Nice to Say About Oges: I don't know, you used to have a really nice Magic: The Gathering collection? You're pretty fun to play tabletop games with, too. (You all missed Ogle slowly pushing his hand through a dwarf's face last super hero game). He also, in a pinch, has Hulk strength.

Something Nice to Say About His Team: I would, in a trade, give you my entire team for JJ Watt, and then rebuild with CFL players.

Raytown GipsyDangers

Winning the award for Most Racially Insensitive Name two years in a row, FTWinsor's GipsyDangers (which is actually great advice if you're ever in Paris [France]) won last year, and I still need to flex some photoshop skills for him. (I have no skills; see all previous years for proof.) Because I owe him I probably shouldn't talk too much shit. I did however recently ask him to build a reading list for me, and included within it was a recommendation for the movie version of Bridges of Madison County. (To be totally honest, when asked for my least favorite authors, I said he was, alongside other God awful writers like Toni Morrison and Shakespeare, aka, THE WORST.) Look, that's all neither here nor there, the fact is that I beat him in the opening game of the season, suck on it, boom. 

Something Nice to Say About Winsor: Normally I'd riff about how polite his kids are, but that's cheating at this point. I'll say this: Winsor can lead excellent book club discussions, and is a weird celebrity amongst old ladies who read knitting porn books. If you ever want to read a knitting porn book, I know he could make a kick ass list of books for you to read.

Something Nice to Say About His Team: They were polite enough to lose to me. Once more: suck it.

Chicago Beer Tossers

Something Nice to Say About TMC: He's never fucked a pizza. If he has, he's kept it to himself.

Something Nice to Say About His Team: He never fired Jay Cutler and he's still beating all of us. You can't buy that loyalty.

PUMP UP PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS 

• Cam over Oges, TMC over FTWinsor. 
• JJ Watt with 2 TDs and 4 fumbles
• Peyton Manning retires in the 3rd quarter
• Both Brandon Marshalls meld into one super player, but he's actually just good at soccer
• The Bears pull Clausen after 2 posessions and 2 interceptions
• Chiefs lose, Broncos win
• All of you download Run the Jewels 2 (it's free and legal and freaking click it, you guys)
• Blackhawks beat the Blue Jackets 6-2

PUMP UP PLAYOFF SONG

PUMP UP LAME COVER SONG

A few things:

• Why are you saying the names of the people who made the song?
• Mystikal actually has nothing to do with this song.
• Check out that drummer. Have you ever seen a more sad drummer? The drummer is the best part of this whole thing.
• The violinist makes me irrationally pissed off. I think it's because his effects tell me he'll be joining Trans Siberian Orchestra any day now.
• Am I playing the saxophone?
• Is Tim playing guitar?
• There were a whole lot of lame covers of this song to choose, which sucks, because this is my favorite pop song this year in a walk.

Anyway, you're all obviously individually talented. Especially your drummer.

PUMP UP UNCRATE MAN PRODUCT

Equinox Snowcoach. Holy shit you guys. Once you realize what it is and that it's not a bike helmet, I think you'll find it pretty rad. I think I can get two labs to pull it. Only one way to find out.

PUMP UP MAN SNACK

Tater tots. After a long bout with sweet potato fries, I'm back to appreciating the simplicity of dipping these mothers in as much barbecue sauce as they'll take. 

PUMP UP BAC FOR THIS WEEK'S BEARS GAME

.24, roughly.

PUMP UP NETFLIX THING TO WATCH

Scrooged is on Netflix, guys! It might be my favorite Christmas movie. I've watched it twice this year already. I'd gladly take it over A Christmas Story on loop all day. Slightly related, this is the first year we haven't had cable during Christmas, and having that movie on in the background all day might be the most I've missed it. Overall, we could probably just buy the bluray and play it on loop. But yeah, Scrooged is a can't-miss.

PUMP UP GLORY PENGUIN

That's what it's all for, boys. Best of luck all around.