BiA League Fantasy Football: Turn on your SONAR and put away your BONAR: It's the PLAYOFF PUMP UP

Hope all you suckers with kids are ready to start tracking Santa until 1am or whatever they do on the Weather Channel. We're going to trick Cooper into thinking Krampus is climbing into our house, but it's just going to be the cat in a creepy costume.

Well, shit. Yet another year of disappointment running a league. Here's a list of depressing shit to make the majority of you who are in the playoffs feel better.

I turned 30. Not only did this suck because I'm old as hell now, but I found out my wife was 27 instead of the 28 I thought she was, so now I'm even older.
My TE is a turd and broke his leg or some shit.
I spent the entire beginning of the year trying to find a defense lineup that wasn't shit, and then the only dependable part of it, Urlacher, got hurt.
The Bears resigned McCown.
The Bears.
I had to dump Rob Bironas (RIP).
Robbie Fucking Gould went and got drunk doing what I can only assume was him trying to be king of the bar by vanquishing a horde of menacing ladies in evening wear trying to drink all of his pomegranate mojitos, broke his leg in a what I'll pretend was an epic battle of hot against Ginger kickers. In my head it's a titty-filled slugfest, but some bitch was packing a brick in her clutch handbag.
My Twitter timeline, which is normally fun and filled with dick and fart jokes, only has commentary on gun control. THAT'S NOT WHAT TWITTER IS FOR; that's what the comment section on Dustin's facebook is for.
My mom's having knee surgery today. That's not really that bad, because it's supposed to relieve pain, but I'm not a fan of being sliced open in general, so that probably sucks. To make it worse, her Christmas present to me is way better than mine to her, and Amazon told me it's going to get there late now. So basically, I'm as good at being a son as I am at running a fantasy football team.
Most of my friends here in KC, by complete happenstance, are either Chiefs or Jets fans. So any bitching I want to do about real football seems kind of silly. The misery index is at a 9 out of 10 pretty much every day sports are mentioned. I'd wear the moniker of Sad Bastard, but in general everyone else is either Sadder Bastard or Saddest Bastard.
I'd like to remind you all that I'm not making the playoffs and I have Doug Martin on my team. Doug Christmas-Onesie Martin! I should've been able to play him on a Bye Week and beat all of you punks by 30 points. I gotta adjust the rules next year to prevent this injustice.
I didn't get a trophy or a title belt made because a) I'll never win it, and b) you fucks aren't worth the 350 dollars I was going to drop on it.
Our vending machine at work is out of regular and Diet Dr. Pepper, so I have to drink Dr Pepper TEN, proudly bosting to all that it has "10 BOLD TASTING CALORIES." I might as well be driving a convertible and going to Jimmy Buffet concerts between popping Cialis and dating a teenager. This is the fucking worst. I mean, for fuck's sake, vending machine. Could you have made 30 feel any older? It's like it's pushing me into a midlife crisis.

So in short, fuck you guys, and enjoy your playoffs, and I love you guys, and I'm super jealous. I'm hoping I destroy the shit out of Oges. For the rest, let's get to pumping (and not like the pumping in that first scene of Magic Mike where the True Blood werewolf's jacking up his weiner [sidenote: despite the previous parenthetical, Magic Mike is an awesome movie]).

PUMP UP MAN SONGS

Here's a track from my top 10 albums this year, in order (only the first embedded.)

Titus Andronicus - "Upon Viewing Oregon's Landscape With the Flood of Detritus"
Perfume Genius - "Dark Parts"
Winterfylleth - "A Thousand Winters"
Between the Buried and Me - "Astral Body"
Death Grips - "Get Got"
Jorge Arana Trio - "Peanut Butter"
Pallbearer - "Given to the Grave"
Nachtmystium - "Dawn Over the Ruins of Jerusalem"
Liberteer - "We Are Not Afraid of Ruins"

PUMP UP UNCRATE MAN PRODUCT OF THE YEAR

Form 1 High-Res 3D Printer. I don't really care if these are practical or even good for use by the general population. I want one, I want to make action figures of all my friends, and then act out scenes where I win fantasy football and teabag all of you.