Midseason Pump Up

Hey, kids, it's Midterms Pump-Up time, so put down the study aids, stop Snapchatting your fleekness to ratchet randos or whatever children do these days, chill with your Netflix and tell Felicia bye.

Here's what I know about football this year: The Bears beat the Chiefs in Arrowhead, and I'm going to have to put up with Chiefs fans excited about the Royals. No matter what the Chiefs do this year, no one will give a shit because the second you go to bring it up, they'll be like "I'm still on a baseball high!" I'M LOOKING AT YOU, GREGG, I CAN ALREADY HEAR THE CONVERSATION.

Anyway, here's some things to get you ready to have to talk to a Chiefs fan, or to just make it through your fantasy week.

PS ugh the Bears... Ugh... that last loss was just fuuuuuuuuuuu...

Pump Up Man Song

Deafheaven - "Come Back." They're my favorite band right now and I have to convince myself to drive to Lawrence to see them tonight.

Pump Up Awful Cover song

It takes these guys a full minute to get into the song, and I think they miss the point of the whole thing. Good luck making it through that minute. Also, whoever made this video should not do that.

Pump Up Bonus Track For A Quiet Year

I warned you I'd be extra quiet (despite finally finishing some bad photoshopping), but I defend my sabbatical proposal in two weeks and that should be a pretty big milestone in stress relief. So anyway, here's a bonus song by the best rap group alive. How good? Legally-give-their-albums-away-for-free-but-I'd-drop-25-bucks-to-get-them-on-vinyl-anyway good.

Pump Up Man Drink

Foux du Fa Fa from Solemn Oath Brewery. They just quadrupled their brewing capacity or something so many I'll luck out and they'll start distributing outside of the Chicago area

Pump Up Uncrate Man Product

The Evo Stainless Steel Tea Bag. Because I'm 12 and this is hilarious to me. If we had a trophy for the loser in this league, I'd like to think it's a hat with a stainless steel tea bag on top.

Pump Up Man App

 Snapchat. I used to think this app was for teens to send each other pics of privates, but it turns out it is for adults to send each other pictures of private-shaped produce while they're at the grocery store. Fall gourd season has been pretty busy over on Snapchat.

Pump Up Man Predictions

1. Megatron scores 6 more TDs this year and that's it.
2. Cleveland over St. Louis in OT due to fan interference via Steamer
3. Adrian Peterson beats 3 defenders, then a kid.
4. KC beats Pittsburgh after Michael Vick gets mauled on the field by a roaming pack of yellow labs.
5. Steven Segall puts out a decent movie this year.
6. I watch 20 more videos of Vin Diesel playing D&D
7. Cutler does better the rest of the year than any QB we start. Bears still lose most of their games.
8. JJ Watt comes to my birthday party to hang out and make me switch insurances.

Pump Down Song That's Good But Will Chill You Out

So that's it. Now I'm relaxed. Good luck with your footballs, guys. I'm gonna go fall asleep to the sounds of grown men hitting each other in fancy pads.

Playoffs: Your Suicide Watch Pump Up, Deport-Trestman Edition, 2014

Ugh, for fuck's sake.

I mean, seriously.

Ugh...

Here's a picture of me at a bar watching a Bears game. The Bears won this game.

I mean seriously. Look how utterly depressed I am. This was even the Monday Night beating of the Jets, and I still knew this season was going to go straight down the shitter.  Ugh...

Also, do I look like another hated Chicago sports fan here?

That's right: this season was Bartman Bad. I hate football. Gonna buy some turtlenecks.

I also hate all of you. My fantasy year was just as bad as the Bears real year. We essentially have matching records. I blame all of you for having good teams, and also Dood Breez$ for deciding it was about time to give up on playing. The whole fucking thing is just a pile of depression.

There's no good way to illustrate the smashing I'm giving my keyboard. Just know it's thorough. I'd prefer to not disclose the amount of property damage this season has caused.

Oh, yeah.

Playoffs.

Good for all of you. I'm so proud. Congratulations. While I'm in the Everybody's Special Participation Ribbon bracket to see if I can maintain a solid run at 8th place, we've got 4 teams that could win it. Let's take a look at these teams, their merits, and see if I can find anything to shit on to make myself feel better.

Buffalo Grove Lesbian Spank Inferno

Cameron is a Bears fan starting Aaron Rodgers every week at QB. I hope this eats at his soul a little bit, and makes him cough up blood in the morning. I hope Matt Forte goes to buy an Acura from him, says, "Aren't you the LSI guy?" (I assume Matt Forte knows about us), shakes his head, says, "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed," and when Cameron turns around, he tackles him through an MDX and gives the commission to someone else.

Something Nice to Say About Cameron: His hair's a little better now than in this picture, and his girlfriend is nice.

Something Nice to Say About His Team: Who would've thought Luke Kuechly would be a decent pick?

Paris Whores With Sores

Here's Dustin sparing you his crotch with a cardboard box. Solid move, we all appreciate it. The two times I played Oges this year, I lost by first a margin of 85 points, and then again by a respectable 35 points. If I take one positive out of this, it's that my team technically got 50 points better by the end of the year. If I look at it as a negative, I'd have to say fuck you Oges, fuck my team, fuck Mark Trestman, and most of all, fuck JJ Watt. You're all collectively the worst, and I hope you and Cameron tie.

Something Nice to Say About Oges: I don't know, you used to have a really nice Magic: The Gathering collection? You're pretty fun to play tabletop games with, too. (You all missed Ogle slowly pushing his hand through a dwarf's face last super hero game). He also, in a pinch, has Hulk strength.

Something Nice to Say About His Team: I would, in a trade, give you my entire team for JJ Watt, and then rebuild with CFL players.

Raytown GipsyDangers

Winning the award for Most Racially Insensitive Name two years in a row, FTWinsor's GipsyDangers (which is actually great advice if you're ever in Paris [France]) won last year, and I still need to flex some photoshop skills for him. (I have no skills; see all previous years for proof.) Because I owe him I probably shouldn't talk too much shit. I did however recently ask him to build a reading list for me, and included within it was a recommendation for the movie version of Bridges of Madison County. (To be totally honest, when asked for my least favorite authors, I said he was, alongside other God awful writers like Toni Morrison and Shakespeare, aka, THE WORST.) Look, that's all neither here nor there, the fact is that I beat him in the opening game of the season, suck on it, boom. 

Something Nice to Say About Winsor: Normally I'd riff about how polite his kids are, but that's cheating at this point. I'll say this: Winsor can lead excellent book club discussions, and is a weird celebrity amongst old ladies who read knitting porn books. If you ever want to read a knitting porn book, I know he could make a kick ass list of books for you to read.

Something Nice to Say About His Team: They were polite enough to lose to me. Once more: suck it.

Chicago Beer Tossers

Something Nice to Say About TMC: He's never fucked a pizza. If he has, he's kept it to himself.

Something Nice to Say About His Team: He never fired Jay Cutler and he's still beating all of us. You can't buy that loyalty.

PUMP UP PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS 

• Cam over Oges, TMC over FTWinsor. 
• JJ Watt with 2 TDs and 4 fumbles
• Peyton Manning retires in the 3rd quarter
• Both Brandon Marshalls meld into one super player, but he's actually just good at soccer
• The Bears pull Clausen after 2 posessions and 2 interceptions
• Chiefs lose, Broncos win
• All of you download Run the Jewels 2 (it's free and legal and freaking click it, you guys)
• Blackhawks beat the Blue Jackets 6-2

PUMP UP PLAYOFF SONG

PUMP UP LAME COVER SONG

A few things:

• Why are you saying the names of the people who made the song?
• Mystikal actually has nothing to do with this song.
• Check out that drummer. Have you ever seen a more sad drummer? The drummer is the best part of this whole thing.
• The violinist makes me irrationally pissed off. I think it's because his effects tell me he'll be joining Trans Siberian Orchestra any day now.
• Am I playing the saxophone?
• Is Tim playing guitar?
• There were a whole lot of lame covers of this song to choose, which sucks, because this is my favorite pop song this year in a walk.

Anyway, you're all obviously individually talented. Especially your drummer.

PUMP UP UNCRATE MAN PRODUCT

Equinox Snowcoach. Holy shit you guys. Once you realize what it is and that it's not a bike helmet, I think you'll find it pretty rad. I think I can get two labs to pull it. Only one way to find out.

PUMP UP MAN SNACK

Tater tots. After a long bout with sweet potato fries, I'm back to appreciating the simplicity of dipping these mothers in as much barbecue sauce as they'll take. 

PUMP UP BAC FOR THIS WEEK'S BEARS GAME

.24, roughly.

PUMP UP NETFLIX THING TO WATCH

Scrooged is on Netflix, guys! It might be my favorite Christmas movie. I've watched it twice this year already. I'd gladly take it over A Christmas Story on loop all day. Slightly related, this is the first year we haven't had cable during Christmas, and having that movie on in the background all day might be the most I've missed it. Overall, we could probably just buy the bluray and play it on loop. But yeah, Scrooged is a can't-miss.

PUMP UP GLORY PENGUIN

That's what it's all for, boys. Best of luck all around.

This Pump Up Is Brought To You By Rob Bironas's BAC

Man, what a bummer. His wife said he hadn't been drinking, and I desperately wanted to believe he had some weird condition where he drove in his sleep. It would be the weirdest damn thing, right? I guess the only thing we can be glad about is that the only person he hurt was himself.

Anyway, here's your PUMP UP RIP ROB BIRONAS IN MEMORIAM SONG

What a bummer. Anyway, back to other unreasonable predictions that you don't think will come true:

• Anquan Boldin accidentally catches an eagle; the 49ers still lose
• The Chiefs watch the Royals playoff game and get inspired to win. Unfortunately for their fans, it's to win at chess.
• Jamaal Charles beats Big Blue
• Giants win the World Series, a senile Archie Manning cries with pride for Eli
• The Eagles fire LeSean McCoy, gets picked up by The Browns, gets in a fist fight with Johnny Manziel, they trade Manziel to the Houston Oilers (they actually just stick him in the Astrodome where he has to compete in a Hunger-Games-like fight for survival with the homeless bums camping there.
• Bears win 56-17

More Pump Up Business

Pump Up Man Song

Pump Up Lame Cover Song

I didn't know what an over-show-choired country music voice would sound like. You'd assume I would know, growing up in Paris, but I think this is the first I've heard it.

Pump Up Uncrate Man Product

GoSun Solar Stove. Hippie tailgating. Looks like it doubles as a weapon. Sold.

Pump Up Man Food

Taco Bell Spicy Potato Taco. It's on the dollar menu and meatless. and according to my Fitbit, has less calories than you think it does.

Pump Up Tim & Eric Bits

Please Hammer Don't Hurt'em: Pumping It Up Style

What a shitty week for women and children connected to NFL players. In protest, this will be the worst Pump Up of the season.

PUMP UP SHITTY PREDICTIONS

1. Lance Briggs strangles an infant cub
2. Matt Forte strangles an infant wearing a Cubs shirt
3. Jay Cutler beats up a bunch of cubs outside a bear leather bar
4. Jerricho Cotchery does something bad to someone's crotchery
5. Roger Goodell aducts a troop of girl scouts and becomes the subject of a series of 12 Dateline episodes.
6. Jarred Allen converts to a polygamous religion, marries 12 women, beats all of them, does his hogtie celebration after each incident.
7. The Bears start Ryan Leaf, from a jail cell, as the least controversial option

PUMP UP MANSOGYNY SONG

PUMP UP EVEN WORSER SONG

PUMP UP I GUESS I HATE THE WORLD UNCRATE PRODUCT

Radius First Aid Box, since I guess we'll be handing these out left and right.

PUMP UP EXTRA IMPORTANT PRODUCT

Xanax. (pictured: one dose).

PUMP UP DRINK TO MIX WITH YOUR IMPORTANT PRODUCT

Water. don't be stupid.

Man, I don't even know what to tell you guys. Here's hoping the worst thing that happens this coming week is Bret Favre unretiring and getting destroyed on the field for our amusement.

Love In An Elevator: Living It Up While Going Down - It's Your Riceless Pump Up!

Hope you're all preparing your eulogies for Butler, who has to play Christian's team this week. Hoping The Ghost of Gene Upshaw weighs in on that CD Rom piss test soon so we can hurry up and disqualify him.

So this week, I thought we'd visit some League Legends™ and see how far they've fallen.

LEAGUE LEGENDS™

SISQO

Sisqo made his first appearance in BiALeague in an epic post I spent too much time on. Back in a time where Thursday games weren't shoved up our asses so hard and we could enjoy things like dumps, which trucks had. We originally started making fun of him because his first album was called Unleash the Dragon, which he took seriously and wasn't just an R-Kellyesque piss-on-you metaphor.

Where is he now? Sisqo hasn't been in this league for a long time, and was last seen outside of BiALeague touring with a reunited Dru Hill, and I shit you not is releasing an album December 9th called The Last Dragon.

BRADY QUINN

Brady Quinn was a football savior who led the Browns to 17 championships and ensured every grade school child in the Cleveland metropolitan area had access to Subway sandwiches and Myoplex. Just kidding, he spent more time on your tv doing commercials than actually accomplishing anything on a field.

Where is he now? He's a "Free Agent," which is not quite as sad as this line from his Wikipedia page: "Quinn has also played for the Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Seattle Seahawks, New York Jets, St. Louis Rams, and Miami Dolphins." Hey Quinn: Now I'm ready!

Rob Bironas

Rob Bironas is my favorite kicker who hasn't played for the Bears or the Vikings.

Where is he now? Dead. RIP, sweet prince. Now, a short retrospective on Rob Bironas, In Memoriam. 

RIP, little buddy. Gone too soon.

Meghan 

This is, somehow, the least embarrassing picture of Meghan I could find from this blog. Feel free to look back. Meghan was in what we dubbed The Domestic Dispute Bowl because she was dating Tim at the time. Man, did we have some foresight into relevant NFL topics. (If you ever needed proof fantasy football immediately makes everyone you know an asshole, I'd say we're on a solid track.) Meghan's on the list because a) she's no longer in the league, b) I won't be able to go to Tim's wedding and uncomfortably bring up exes in front of everyone c) she won one year! Can you believe that garbage? I barely can. Through an intricate series of choosing colors she liked and boys she thought were cute, we were all defeated.  Such garbage.

Where is she now? Somewhere in Chicago having liberal and feminist views. As long as that's ok.

Tim McCarthy III's Frosted Tips

I told you that was the least embarrassing picture of Meghan I could find.

Anyway, Tim liked to put weird colors on the tip of his hairs. If you can't tell by now, I play Tim this week. That may have a little to do with all the raggin on Tim, but I think it's counteracted by that sweet Rogues do it from behind shirt I bought him for Christmas one year.

Where are they now? Let me check his Facebook real quick... from what I can tell, they died! I'm gonna say they're gone. The shirt, however, I hope is still around. You're welcome, Stephanie. And congrats, Tim, on finding a woman that won't make that face at you no matter what your hair looks like. Congrats on your upcoming marriage. 

Satan

Satan, in 2005, thought it'd be hilarious if he took the Bears all the way to the Super Bowl and then shit the bed and make Barry the saddest man on the planet. It wasn't fuckin funny, Satan.

Where is he now? Satan was last seen dressing up in a Peyton Manning suit to make Denver Broncos fans similarly sad in last year's Super Bowl. That guy's a real douchenozzle.

Anyway, where were we?

PUMP UP MAN SONG

You kids goin' to see the bit-bam???

PUMP UP AWFUL COVER SONG

Ugh... man, I've posted some turds, before, but jeez...

PUMP UP MAN FOOD

Those big ass pretzels. With the exception of Rold Gold's cheddar Crack Pretzels, which I'll fight anyone on the quality of, I'm not big on pretzels. Mainly the just try to piss me off inside of ChexMix. But recently, at bars, we've been eating a lot of those big ass homemade pretzels that come with random forms of cheese. Solid bar move.

PUMP UP MAN DRINK

Stephanie (mine, not one of the other 30 Stephanies) bought some Monk's Cafe the other day and liked it, and she hates beer that isn't ciders. She's not really into sours, even, so I was a little surprised. I dig it, too, but I'd totally forgot about it until then.

PUMP UP UNCRATE MAN PRODUCT

NexStar Evolution 8 Telescope. I totally want one of these. I've been on a big astrophysics kick for the last couple years, and I'm way too cheap to drop bank on a telescope. If I did, there's a good chance it'd be this one, because it integrates into Android apps and is idiot-proof enough for me.

PUMP UP BAD PREDICTIONS

• A team has to prop up Rob Bironas's corpse after another kicker gets curbstomped this week.
• Ray Rice's CFL debut results in 13 yards
• The Bears score 9 points during the NBC Sunday Night spotlight game
• I hit 9.2 BAC and don't hate football until about 7:30pm
• Cameron sells 13 Acuras
• Spencer Lanning with 3 horsecaller penalties
• Jets win
• Raiders win
• Carolina scores against themselves: 2 safeties in that game
• Peter King suffers cardiac arrest while holding a chili cheese dog.

So there you have it! Good luck to everyone! Do your thing!

From the Bowels of Johnson County Comes Your First Pump Up of the Season

I believe it was Coolio that said, "Bring back something for the hood," and in the dilapidated hood that is Johnson County, I'm looking to bring back the BiALeague Championship this year. My first opponent? The defending champion. What horseshit, am I right? This doesn't bode well.

Of course, the flip side to this is that we've added another Johnson County resident to the mix, so welcome, Chris. As you'll soon find out when you read this, we also have a blog. Surprise? Also, stop reading this at work! It'll get you in trouble! PS we have a penguin.

It's a football penguin, and I'll never use Adobe Fireworks better than when I made it, and it's not all that great.

So let's start off this Pump Up by examining the pre-season predictions and declarations.

• Oges is gonna win it all. I know because he told us. Twice, at least. We actually sat through the entire draft before he bothered letting us know. If he's right, he'd already wasted an hour of our time before he wasted a season of our lives. What a dick.
• I predicted that Chris is going to win it all because he just now picked his own team up, and I wouldn't be surprised if he just doesn't touch his line up all season. He's pretty adorable: He was like, "I thought I was going to have a team with a dirty name!" and I had to explain that Pancake's last name was Pancake. Then I'm pretty sure he got the joke. He actually has the dirtiest team name in the league until he changes it. If he does: I think he's still amused.
• I also predict that Gary's gonna go on an unprecedented shit-talking streak. He's probably one of the most polite people I've met, and he's had to put up with my family for over a decade at this point, so I think he's gonna just snap and go off on all of us, but mostly me and Oges.
• This is where I was going to make fun of Cameron for being 7 hours behind the rest of us, but he's back in the greatest state known to man, and the only time zone known to civilization, so I guess I'm out of ammo. Um... Nice car, carboy?
• Butler's going to accidentally start a Malkavian at linebacker. I actually like the idea of forfeiting a character and then rolling a d20 to determine how many fantasy points you assign that position. In all honesty, B's going to have a great season and then shit the bed immediately in the post season. I say that because he's a Falcon's fan.
• I predict Tim will get married, get in trouble for setting his team during his honeymoon, have to spend the rest of it alone, start playing his PS4 he left on at home via his PS Vita, and get left behind wherever he's honeymooning, successfully logging 433 hours into The Last of Us, which is one of the best stories ever told in a railroaded game that put me to sleep.
• Bears win the Super Bowl!

PUMP UP MAN SHOW

The League's back on. Season 5 got posted on Netflix. Watch it if you missed it last year.  Don't be silly.

PUMP UP MAN SONG

In addition to that sweet Coolio jam you got linked above, dig this rockin' tune.

PUMP UP MAN SNACK

Mushroom poutine. Mushrooms. Cheese curds. Gravy. French fries. There's this place that's trying it's hardest to be cool and ironically cool next to me. They serve poutine because all the food turds love it (me too) and PBR (because of course), but you still get it served to you on a plate that costs $70 and the PBR shows up in a champagne flute. I'd love to say they missed the mark on this, but the shitbirds that live in my neck of the woods kill for that type of experience. I mean, this is our fucking bowling alley.

PUMP UP SHITTY COVER SONG

PUMP UP WEIRD FUCKING CATEGORY

I urge you to all submit your worst suggestions for a category for me to make this year. Please submit to Facebook to protect your identity and all the awful shit you dream up. Then I'll shame you on here when I choose it.

PUMP UP UNCRATE MAN PRODUCT

The Dyson Roombakiller T-1000. I'll totally buy this.

PUMP UP MAN PREDICTIONS

This pump up is prediction heavy.

• Lance Briggs sacks Jay Cutler. Don't ask how.
• Chiefs lose
• Peyton Manning puts up 70 points this week, his next-three-week total
• Brandon Marshall, finally a respectable keeper, has a mental breakdown, throws a fit, disappoints Cameron, returns to fantasy cancer status.
• Washington changes their name to something more offensive, oddly targeted towards a very small Vietnamese village, but not necessarily all of Vietnam. 400 people are outraged; Dan Snyder walks around in one of those Raiden hats.

So there you go. Football tonight. So excited. So excited. So...

... scared.