From the Bowels of Johnson County Comes Your First Pump Up of the Season

I believe it was Coolio that said, "Bring back something for the hood," and in the dilapidated hood that is Johnson County, I'm looking to bring back the BiALeague Championship this year. My first opponent? The defending champion. What horseshit, am I right? This doesn't bode well.

Of course, the flip side to this is that we've added another Johnson County resident to the mix, so welcome, Chris. As you'll soon find out when you read this, we also have a blog. Surprise? Also, stop reading this at work! It'll get you in trouble! PS we have a penguin.

It's a football penguin, and I'll never use Adobe Fireworks better than when I made it, and it's not all that great.

So let's start off this Pump Up by examining the pre-season predictions and declarations.

• Oges is gonna win it all. I know because he told us. Twice, at least. We actually sat through the entire draft before he bothered letting us know. If he's right, he'd already wasted an hour of our time before he wasted a season of our lives. What a dick.
• I predicted that Chris is going to win it all because he just now picked his own team up, and I wouldn't be surprised if he just doesn't touch his line up all season. He's pretty adorable: He was like, "I thought I was going to have a team with a dirty name!" and I had to explain that Pancake's last name was Pancake. Then I'm pretty sure he got the joke. He actually has the dirtiest team name in the league until he changes it. If he does: I think he's still amused.
• I also predict that Gary's gonna go on an unprecedented shit-talking streak. He's probably one of the most polite people I've met, and he's had to put up with my family for over a decade at this point, so I think he's gonna just snap and go off on all of us, but mostly me and Oges.
• This is where I was going to make fun of Cameron for being 7 hours behind the rest of us, but he's back in the greatest state known to man, and the only time zone known to civilization, so I guess I'm out of ammo. Um... Nice car, carboy?
• Butler's going to accidentally start a Malkavian at linebacker. I actually like the idea of forfeiting a character and then rolling a d20 to determine how many fantasy points you assign that position. In all honesty, B's going to have a great season and then shit the bed immediately in the post season. I say that because he's a Falcon's fan.
• I predict Tim will get married, get in trouble for setting his team during his honeymoon, have to spend the rest of it alone, start playing his PS4 he left on at home via his PS Vita, and get left behind wherever he's honeymooning, successfully logging 433 hours into The Last of Us, which is one of the best stories ever told in a railroaded game that put me to sleep.
• Bears win the Super Bowl!

PUMP UP MAN SHOW

The League's back on. Season 5 got posted on Netflix. Watch it if you missed it last year.  Don't be silly.

PUMP UP MAN SONG

In addition to that sweet Coolio jam you got linked above, dig this rockin' tune.

PUMP UP MAN SNACK

Mushroom poutine. Mushrooms. Cheese curds. Gravy. French fries. There's this place that's trying it's hardest to be cool and ironically cool next to me. They serve poutine because all the food turds love it (me too) and PBR (because of course), but you still get it served to you on a plate that costs $70 and the PBR shows up in a champagne flute. I'd love to say they missed the mark on this, but the shitbirds that live in my neck of the woods kill for that type of experience. I mean, this is our fucking bowling alley.

PUMP UP SHITTY COVER SONG

PUMP UP WEIRD FUCKING CATEGORY

I urge you to all submit your worst suggestions for a category for me to make this year. Please submit to Facebook to protect your identity and all the awful shit you dream up. Then I'll shame you on here when I choose it.

PUMP UP UNCRATE MAN PRODUCT

The Dyson Roombakiller T-1000. I'll totally buy this.

PUMP UP MAN PREDICTIONS

This pump up is prediction heavy.

• Lance Briggs sacks Jay Cutler. Don't ask how.
• Chiefs lose
• Peyton Manning puts up 70 points this week, his next-three-week total
• Brandon Marshall, finally a respectable keeper, has a mental breakdown, throws a fit, disappoints Cameron, returns to fantasy cancer status.
• Washington changes their name to something more offensive, oddly targeted towards a very small Vietnamese village, but not necessarily all of Vietnam. 400 people are outraged; Dan Snyder walks around in one of those Raiden hats.

So there you go. Football tonight. So excited. So excited. So...

... scared.