FINALLY.

YES! Yes! Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ, I have seen the light!

(That's the way it should happen, by the way. When you win your fantasy football league, the glowing image of James Brown dressed in robes should appear before you, announcing your victory to everyone within a five-mile radius, and shower you with beer and 1990s-era Playmates.)

It's been a long, hard struggle. I've always come close, but never quite getting there. This, though, was the year I broke though. I would like to thank Tom Brady, as I firmly believe my breakup with him at the end of last season was the final piece of the puzzle I needed. I started strong and took it to everyone pretty much wire-to-wire in a masterful display of utter and complete domination the likes of which not seen since Christian Siranio's performance during Season 4 of Project: Runway.

Yup, the rest of you suckers just got beat by this fierce bitch. 

I would also like to thank Barry Bailey for suggesting I join this league, even though he's the commissioner and yet finishes every season close to the cellar even though he probably spends more time on fantasy football than the rest of us put together. I also would like to thank him for his Pump Ups and the BIAL site itself, even though we seriously need to get this thing up on Facebook or something as its no longer 2006. Posting in Blogspot these days is like still having a Xanga account.

I also would like to thank Jamaal Charles for kicking serious ass and being a clear MVP on my roster, even though me picking him in the draft was a total homer move. (Just six more days until another crushingly disappointing early playoff exit at Indianapolis, kids!) Also, J.J. Watt, Luke Kuechly, Demaryius Thomas, and Matt Prater were also were consistent point snaggers for the GipsyDangers. (Seriously, it's like the rest of you completely ignore your IDP. Every week it seemed like defense put me over the top.)

I was going to make one point of order - in Barry's last Pump Up, he compared my hometown of Raytown, Missouri to some benighted burg in Illinois by the name of Rantoul. I was going to leap to the defense of my homeland, but did a little research - the biggest name to come out of Raytown is either Aldon Smith of the 49ers or Bob Dernier of the Chicago Cubs. Rantoul has the inventor of the Jheri curl, so that pretty much beats anything we could come up with. 

"Raytown ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak English in Raytown?"

Lastly, as I stand with one foot on the top turnbuckle, bask in the spotlight, and raise the strap above my head for the first time with all my defeated opponents sprawled on the ring below me, I would like to invite you all to come back for another ass kicking next year. SUCKERS!