Hope you're all preparing your eulogies for Butler, who has to play Christian's team this week. Hoping The Ghost of Gene Upshaw weighs in on that CD Rom piss test soon so we can hurry up and disqualify him.
So this week, I thought we'd visit some League Legends™ and see how far they've fallen.
LEAGUE LEGENDS™
SISQO
Sisqo made his first appearance in BiALeague in an epic post I spent too much time on. Back in a time where Thursday games weren't shoved up our asses so hard and we could enjoy things like dumps, which trucks had. We originally started making fun of him because his first album was called Unleash the Dragon, which he took seriously and wasn't just an R-Kellyesque piss-on-you metaphor.
Where is he now? Sisqo hasn't been in this league for a long time, and was last seen outside of BiALeague touring with a reunited Dru Hill, and I shit you not is releasing an album December 9th called The Last Dragon.
Brady Quinn was a football savior who led the Browns to 17 championships and ensured every grade school child in the Cleveland metropolitan area had access to Subway sandwiches and Myoplex. Just kidding, he spent more time on your tv doing commercials than actually accomplishing anything on a field.
Where is he now? He's a "Free Agent," which is not quite as sad as this line from his Wikipedia page: "Quinn has also played for the Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Seattle Seahawks, New York Jets, St. Louis Rams, and Miami Dolphins." Hey Quinn: Now I'm ready!
Rob Bironas
Rob Bironas is my favorite kicker who hasn't played for the Bears or the Vikings.
Where is he now? Dead. RIP, sweet prince. Now, a short retrospective on Rob Bironas, In Memoriam.
RIP, little buddy. Gone too soon.
Meghan
This is, somehow, the least embarrassing picture of Meghan I could find from this blog. Feel free to look back. Meghan was in what we dubbed The Domestic Dispute Bowl because she was dating Tim at the time. Man, did we have some foresight into relevant NFL topics. (If you ever needed proof fantasy football immediately makes everyone you know an asshole, I'd say we're on a solid track.) Meghan's on the list because a) she's no longer in the league, b) I won't be able to go to Tim's wedding and uncomfortably bring up exes in front of everyone c) she won one year! Can you believe that garbage? I barely can. Through an intricate series of choosing colors she liked and boys she thought were cute, we were all defeated. Such garbage.
Where is she now? Somewhere in Chicago having liberal and feminist views. As long as that's ok.
Tim McCarthy III's Frosted Tips
I told you that was the least embarrassing picture of Meghan I could find.
Anyway, Tim liked to put weird colors on the tip of his hairs. If you can't tell by now, I play Tim this week. That may have a little to do with all the raggin on Tim, but I think it's counteracted by that sweet Rogues do it from behind shirt I bought him for Christmas one year.
Where are they now? Let me check his Facebook real quick... from what I can tell, they died! I'm gonna say they're gone. The shirt, however, I hope is still around. You're welcome, Stephanie. And congrats, Tim, on finding a woman that won't make that face at you no matter what your hair looks like. Congrats on your upcoming marriage.
Satan
Satan, in 2005, thought it'd be hilarious if he took the Bears all the way to the Super Bowl and then shit the bed and make Barry the saddest man on the planet. It wasn't fuckin funny, Satan.
Where is he now? Satan was last seen dressing up in a Peyton Manning suit to make Denver Broncos fans similarly sad in last year's Super Bowl. That guy's a real douchenozzle.
Anyway, where were we?
PUMP UP MAN SONG
You kids goin' to see the bit-bam???
PUMP UP AWFUL COVER SONG
PUMP UP MAN FOOD
Those big ass pretzels. With the exception of Rold Gold's cheddar Crack Pretzels, which I'll fight anyone on the quality of, I'm not big on pretzels. Mainly the just try to piss me off inside of ChexMix. But recently, at bars, we've been eating a lot of those big ass homemade pretzels that come with random forms of cheese. Solid bar move.
PUMP UP MAN DRINK
Stephanie (mine, not one of the other 30 Stephanies) bought some Monk's Cafe the other day and liked it, and she hates beer that isn't ciders. She's not really into sours, even, so I was a little surprised. I dig it, too, but I'd totally forgot about it until then.
PUMP UP UNCRATE MAN PRODUCT
PUMP UP BAD PREDICTIONS
- A team has to prop up Rob Bironas's corpse after another kicker gets curbstomped this week.
- Ray Rice's CFL debut results in 13 yards
- The Bears score 9 points during the NBC Sunday Night spotlight game
- I hit 9.2 BAC and don't hate football until about 7:30pm
- Cameron sells 13 Acuras
- Spencer Lanning with 3 horsecaller penalties
- Jets win
- Raiders win
- Carolina scores against themselves: 2 safeties in that game
- Peter King suffers cardiac arrest while holding a chili cheese dog.
So there you have it! Good luck to everyone! Do your thing!
3 comments:
Amazing! Truly one of the best pump-ups in a while. I like that you brought up Meghan. The thought of her existence always makes me laugh. What doesn't make me laugh is that her lone Penguin Trophy is one more than mine and she beat me in that Super Bowl to earn it. I use the work "earn" as loosely as humanly possible. Also, if I sell 13 more Acuras this weekend I might just take the rest of the month off ... probably not.
I sent Meghan this post to make sure the embarrassing photos weren't get-meghan-fired embarrassing. You'll have to use the search tool for that, I guess. Meghan's two comments after all of that were 1) pointing out that that is really how she picked her team, and 2) That she hope it didn't make Tim too mad. Meghan: one of the good guys, too nice for fantasy football, and a champion more than both of us.
Haha, why would it make me mad? That was an epic season and Meghan destroyed! Also, I think I'm still in my prime for taking embarressing pictures. In fact, I should step up my game!
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