2013 MVPs and HoFs

It's my favorite time of the fantasy year, when I can't possibly lose and also don't feel horrible throwing accolades towards some of you. I can't believe I missed the playoffs, but I've forgiven most of my players for that.

Except Gronk. You'll be cleaning out your locker, and probably heading to an expansion team.

So, without parlaying the excitement any longer, let's get to the awards.

QB of the Year

Numbers alone put Drew Brees in the top position, but Young Breez$y didn't execute a few crucial season-satisfying accomplishments like our winner did

1. Killed the Andrew Luck hype
2. Proved to the entire District of Columbia that Rex Grossman exists only to be humiliated, and is never a viable starting QB
3. Was a rookie
4. Brought to the 2011-2012 season, the best catchphrase: Not "suck for Luck," but the far superior, "Laying a turd for Robert Griffin the Third."

QB of the Year: Robert Griffin III

RB of the Year

I'm fully prepared to give this to Doug Martin because he made my team viable for half a season. That's half a season longer than I'm used to. Also he's tied for 2nd behind the points leader. 

But, I've denied Adrian Peterson a lot of things, including a Hall of Fame spot. I'll probably keep denying him that, too. So to make him feel better, 

RB of the Year: Adrian Peterson

TE of the Year

This goes to everyone's favorite Gronk. This is also a big fuck you, and said in the spirit of Sarcastiball, because everyone wants their surefire point machine to break his arm like three goddamn times a season. You're so the best, Gronk! I'm so glad you're on the sidelines! It's sooooo cool to see you hanging out with porn stars and college kids getting tanked instead of playing football! You're the best!

TE of the Year: Totally Gronkowski! Tooootally.

WR of the Year

I feel like I'm getting serious here for a moment, and no one wants that, but Brandon Marshall wasn't just good this year, he was the best. And it wasn't just that he was the best, but he was an outstanding guy off the field. You know the day he was announced as picked up by the Bears, much like him I had about 10 different personalities worth of reactions. Not the least of which was wondering how long it would take before we found it he was getting arrested or charged with something (approximately 4 hours). 

I don't know what kind of mental health program the Bears have nowadays, but I have to imagine it's fantastic. Hunter Hillenmeyer was a Bear and part of the concussion research program immediately after sustaining a pretty bad one. Even though the Bears had to let him go to free up the roster spot, they were pretty responsive to his cognitive needs. I might get pissed when Cutler misses a game for a concussion or whatever, but they don't let him RG3 or Vick himself out on the field, and because of that there's probably a good chance he won't shoot himself in the heart so scientists can study his brain after he feels the need to end his life.

So you get someone properly diagnosed with personality disorder, get them on drugs, have them talking to a therapist, get him involved in some public service activities, and out of nowhere: who's this tall-ass zen motherfucker calmly responding to critics via well-thought out, well-spoken videos? Who's singing the praises of teammates and his organization? Who didn't immediately freak the fuck out when they missed the playoffs?

I have no idea who this former Fantasy Immediate Regret guy is, but I like him a hell of a lot more than that punk who used to play for the Broncos.

WR of the Year: somehow, Brandon Marshall

DB of the Year 

I don't know anything about Morgan Burnett because he's not Charles Tillman, and he played for Ogle's team.  So I'll throw Ogle a bone here.

DB: of the Year: Morgan Burnett

DE of the Year

JJ Watt outscored the next DE by about 100 points. He was also on FTWinsor's team, and Winsor made it to the BiALBowl. I'm seeing a strong correlation here. My friend Beth moved to Houston from Illinois, and after the HOU v. CHI game, she sent out a picture on Instagram of herself crying as her new local boyfriend looked happy as a pig in shit. I'd rather have the pig in shit.

Nonetheless, I really thought Houston had a solid Super Bowl shot this year, and their post season failure had me reconsidering this pick, but we're talking 100 points. I can't argue with that. At least not well.

DE of the Year: Double J Watt

LB of the Year

London Fletcher put up 31 points against Dallas in Week 17, 40 points against  Atlanta early on, and ended the season a Free Agent in BiALeague despite being the second highest scorer in his position. As a big FU to all of us, and for ending Dallas's playoff hopes despite all of Oges's crossed fingers, he's been handed this position.

LB of the Year: London Fletcher

K of the Year

I cannot, in good faith, give the kicker award to a member of the "Greatriots," because if I hear someone say "Greatriots" unironically I may cut someone. So by default, the kicker award goes to the Pride of the Inferno, Lawrence Tynes. Congrats, Larry. You're a real boy!

K of the Year: Lawrence Tynes

2013 BiALeague MVP

I repeat: for half a season, I appeared to be a viable contender. I even got cocky for like, a week! That's unheard of in fantasy football. And only one man made that possible:

2013 BiALeague MVP: Doug Martin

2013 BIAL Hall of Fame Inductee

In what may be his last year of eligibility, I feel that we must honor this man, albeit posthumously. True, he has bounced from team to team, like the Old Maid card of this league, but he's brought a little reflection and brevity to all of us. A man whose skills are unparalleled, who we've sat in awe of  as he's spread his wings: not to leave us in our time of need, but to lift us through whatever uprights lay before us. A man whose caused many to pause in reflection, often from 30-35 yards out. A man whose value is measured not just in fantasy points, but currently in direct analog to actual points.

Ladies, the Baseball Writers' Association may be filled with a bunch of self-righteous pricks, but we will not follow in their footsteps. We will acknowledge those who have moved us in special ways, and it hurts to know that he cannot be with us to witness this honor we've given him.

With heavy heart, I give you your 2013 Hall of Fame Inductee