Get Your Pump Up On! Pump It Up in Your Pants!

So for those of us in the KC Metro, we've had two amazing news stories materialize. First, a man defends himself from a knife attack with a banjo. Then a dean at a community college has his throat slashed by a crazy student. From a comment section: "He should have had a banjo."

In football, I'm considering elevating my team to god-like status for dismembering Matt Stafford (Peppers says 'you're welcome NFC North'). On the other side, the side that matters, the point-gathering side, The Raytown RosenRosens DESTROYED Fiji, elevating Gregg to Diagnosis: Murder.

As for Pumping Up...

Pump Up Man Song

Normally my goal is to make you wanna break shit. This week my goal is to make you break IT DOWN.

Pump Up Lame Cover Song (In Memory of Meghan & Rob Bironas [RIP])

A cover of Christina Aguilera's "Bionic." I actually like the real version, and while you may think this cover isn't half bad you're way fucking wrong.

1. Foremost, they fuck up the bridge harmonies. They're the metaphorical rug that ties the room together.
2. Instead of spelling "X.T.I.N.A." the singer feels the need to spell out her name and then give props to everyone else. Fuck that: X-tina or nothing.
3. Do you see those goofy ass faces those chicks are making?

Pump Up Life-Changing Nickelback Lyric

"Could I pay you not to?" - Detangler, which I think is about haircare product.

Predicted Albert Haynesworth Tackles

Last week I predicted 2. According to NFL.com, WAS CORRECT! 1 tackle, and 1 assist. Technically, in point translation, that means he got 1.5 tackles. So I need to start being more accurate. For this week, I predict:

.5

Pump Up Uncrate Man Product

The League is on DVD!!!!!!

Pump Up Man Snack

Boulevard Double-Wide IPA. It's beer, it's named after a trailer, and I'm pretty sure we're all attempting to avoid that kinda life. HOWEVER! Let it be known that this beer is so damn tasty. I recently broke down and bought a 6 pack of Single-Wide, but Double-Wide only comes in magnums at 10 bucks a bottle. Worth it? Actually, yeah.

Suicide Watch List

• Whatever poor fuck fills in for Matt Stafford Speaking of which...
• Lions fans
• Unattractive sideline reporters